I can think of 5 times in my life that I can honestly say "that was one of the best times of my life!". The first I can think of was the last month of my senior year in high school through the week after graduation. The second was the week I spent in Yellowstone with Pat, Jared, Kent, Dan, Danny and Mark the summer after graduation. The third was this past May. The fourth was the week Hannah came back from Cambodia. And the most recent was last week. Spring break. The best break of my life.
Anyway, I'm not sure why I brought that up...I guess I've just been thinking about a few of those times. I've also been thinking about how much I sometimes miss being an english major. Those times when I get really stressed out with school, I tend to think about sitting outside reading literature rather than having to sit inside with a calculator doing physics problems. I miss those days when I really loved the things I was reading. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I suppose I enjoy moments here and there with what I'm doing now, but let's be honest, I'm not doing it for fun. I'm doing it because I have to. Because I had no future as an english or history major. So that's why I'm depressed half the time, fighting to keep up, losing sleep, killing myself over every detail. Is it worth it? I don't know...I hope so. Because right now I feel like I'm wasting a wonderful life as an unhappy science major. There's nothing I can do about it though. This is the way it is and I better put on a happy face and do my best to enjoy it. I've gotta keep telling everyone how much I hated being an english major and how much better it is to dedicate one's time to calculators, equations and the periodic table of elements. So I guess the first paragraph fits in after all. Those were the times in my life when nothing has mattered but the moment. Time stands still. Nothing else mattered except for passion, love, the people around me, living on this beautiful planet. And here I go...back into the real world where I'm as unhappy with where I am and what I'm doing as ever. Pat was right when he told me this, "no matter what you pretend to be, you're an artist at heart."
Turn the page.
Sometimes I worry that I am going to screw everything up and I will go back to how it was before. I will lose the most amazing thing I've ever had in my entire life, and it will be like it always was...and I'll be without her. And it will be all my fault. I'm more afraid of that than of anything. I don't want things to ever be like they were and I don't want to ever be without her. She makes everything I go through worth it. I love her more than anyone and would do anything for her. It scares me to know how easily I could mess things up. I am going to sleep and hope that in the morning I never have to worry about this again.
For the past month, or maybe longer, I've been considering quitting my job at the Dragonfly. Over the last week I've realized it's really only a matter of time before I quit. There are so many things wrong right now that I can hardly stand it any more. I don't make much money, I work some of the most boring shifts imaginable, I am getting tired of closing, and I could go on like that forever. Really the biggest problem I am having is with my boss. It's not that she's a bad person at all, but she is constantly making everyone around her feel like they have done something wrong. She is the kind of boss who walks into a room and I can't help but be unhappy. The complaints over little things, the calls at all hours of the day and the policies that I really don't agree with are starting to get to me.
Now I've worked there for over a year now, so I feel I know the place, and my boss pretty well. It's not that anything has changed really. I've just had enough. I asked for a few days off for Hannah and I over 2 months ago and it doesn't look like we're going to get it off. It's little things like that making me feel very disrespected and unhappy with the job. I really just think it's time to move on. Maybe this isn't the time to do it. But soon.
I want to finally have a job that makes me feel respected. Maybe I'll find one if I look hard enough.
I've wanted for awhile now to start a new blog. To leave the site I have been using since high school and just start over. So here I am! The opportunity presented, and I have finally abandoned the place I have been writing for the past four years. I think the time was right. It's a good time to start over, since I feel like the last 4 months have been like a new starting point in my life. I have fallen in love with the most amazing girl I have ever met. I have decided on a major at last after two and a half years in college and I am starting to discover things about myself and the world that I never thought I would find. So enough for an introduction, let's get on with it...
I realized this morning that I still love playing the guitar. It's funny. Hannah has an impact even on things like that. A few months ago I had all but given up on the idea of ever playing guitar again. I even considered selling my guitars. Now I have back some of the passion I once had. That excitement of learning a new song, or playing along with an old one. I may never be a rock star and I may not even ever play another live show. But the idea of sitting back with an acoustic guitar is freedom. I'm considering heading down to guitar center either tomorrow or later in the week to buy some new gear. Something I haven't done in almost 2 years. It's a good feeling! I'm excited to see where it takes me.
